I love you Amber, you can do this. I know you can! I am there to help you every step of the way. You are strong. Don’t forget your promise to me. You are such a beautiful and intelligent girl. I promise you that you will get better and life will be amazing. I will make sure of it. I promise. I LOVE you. Live baby girl, LIVE a real life. You can do this.
Thank you so much Stefan. For being there for me. For being this amazing man. You will meet some girl who treats you like you deserve :) I know you will have kids and be so happy. I’ll be watching you. Thank you so much!
I am so tired, I am so sorry everyone :( I love you all! I am so sorry I didnt get to talk to you. Mike, Bianca, Arielle, RJ, all of you! Just keep smiling <3
24 December 2009 - 7:30AM
The foul stench of vomit pierced Raven’s mother’s nose as she slid open the wardrobe door. She beheld her unconscious daughter who lay sprawled amongst the scattered Prozac and the pile of old clothes. Raven’s hair was mangled however she had a serene facial expression which chilled her mother to the bone. Her screams echoed throughout the house whereupon Raven’s father came running in to the room demanding to know what the prompted the mother’s antic screams. Twenty minutes later the sirens arrived outside the house and Raven was carried outside where her pale death-white hand drooped down the side of the stretcher.
Raven tried to pry her eyes open but they stung as the bright lights pierced though them. She tried again, this time opening one eye and waiting for it to adjust to the light before opening the other. The fact that she was lying in a hospital bed dawned upon her and she stared blankly at the ceiling.
“Doctor, she’s awake!” announced one of the nurses.
The doctor approached Raven’s bed with a clipboard and smiled at her.
“Good morning Raven, nice to see that you are awake. How are you feeling?”
There was a long pause. Raven continued staring at the hospital ceiling and the doctor repeated his question.
“Why am I still alive?” came Raven’s reply, her voice was husky and her breathing laboured.
The doctor frowned.
“You must still be ill darling, what you need is a good long rest”.
“I asked, why am I still alive? WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE?” Raven yelled.
“Please calm down Raven, you’re going to hurt yourself!” implored the doctor.
Raven hurled the bedside vase at the doctor which missed and shattered in to pieces as it hit the wall.
“YOU BASTARDS! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! I WANTED TO DIE, I WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS PLACE AND NOW YOU’VE BROUGHT ME BACK! YOU’VE BROUGHT ME BACK AGAIN! YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!”
The nurse tried to approach Raven in order to console her but she was shoved away violently. Raven clambered out of her bed and tried to make her way through the door however she was restrained by the other nurses. Enraged at being surrounded, she began to claw and bite at the nurses, kicking and screaming for them to let go of her. The doctor sadly approached Raven and injected a syringe in to her arm. Raven’s screaming ceased however her mouth was wide open in agony and she closed her eyes as the sedatives began to course through her blood. To her it felt like living death but she knew that she was going to wake up from this and the thought of it made her sick.
I am being force fed.. literally. I have a tube in my nose which food is being pumped into my body. I don’t care anymore. I can’t care. I refuse to think. I can’t see myself thank goodness but I know I am getting fat. I can feel myself bloating up. What else is there to lose? Nothing. Literally nothing. I have no one, I am not living, I am existing only. I am barely existing. I hope when I die I am able to see who shows up. Maybe then people will start to care. I don’t want to die. I want the chance to travel more and be with that guy. I want the chance to have kids, have a life, BE HAPPY for once.
I am divorcing reality. From now on I pretend. Everything is ok. <3